God, please have mercy on me.

Death.
As you all may or may not know I am 29 years of age. Although it might be strange to most/ some people I am going to admit something new, almost elementary. I have never thought too much about death. Two of my four grandparents are still alive, keeping two dead... still. Many pets have died in my lifetime: Toby, Mike and many more dogs have died. Joe Joe the cat is most likely dead along with Rascal and Twilight. The gerbil my mom accidentally killed from heat exhaustion, the bunny, and probably some fish, all dead. This summer I saw the movie March of the Penguins and learned how old penguins just, "disappear." Listening to the two year old behind me say to her dad, "Baby die daddy? Baby die," over and over again. Growing up Protestant in a Western-Christian-United States of America taught me that life was everlasting. Death was merely a physical death but our souls would remain... forever (with or without God... depending). This is what I believed in, whole heartedly. I am not sure what has changed or how or why... but I was was at church a couple weeks ago and a new thought hit me. What if there was no God? All of a sudden, just like that I was paralyzed with fear. I have repeatedly asked myself, "Have you really never thought about this earlier in life?" I have but never actually with such conviction that God might not exist. A couple days later I boarded a plane to San Diego. Turbulence, never before have I feared dying or even cared where I died or how old I was when I died. But I prayed a really long run on sentence, with care," God I believe in you, well actually you know that isn't completely true so I'm not gonna lie, since you would know when or if I was lying if you are actually there. So, if you do exist, which I really,really, hope you do, have mercy on me. God, please have mercy on me."

Death makes life that much different if thats it. All done, no more. Death changes so much. Murdering someone is that much more horrifying. If an Athiest sacrifices their life for the sake of another it is that much more profound than if a person of faith does it. The Athiest dies thinking that is that. While the person of faith thinks, "this will hurt hardcore but there is more." So the past couple of weeks I have started talking to my friends. Atheist, Agnostic and a couple of Christian friends. One Christian friend who was raised outside of Christianity and one that wasn't. I would love your opinion, especially if you dont believe in an afterlife.
More to come... but now its time to get ready for bed.